Trying To Hide the Obvious!

I read an article online that spoke of the increasing pleasure, allure, mysticism, romanticizing of 'Americans -I'm sure Canadians - who are claiming Native American blood ties. Particularly to the Cherokee. It made me smile that people would actually be proclaiming this not realizing that those of us who are truly Anishinawbe - in the sense of growing up and feeling the exploitation and harassment that many lived through. By no means do I mean to offend anyone of you who are proud of  your  Anishinawbe heritage and  are fortunate that you did not live through this sort of ordeal.
I say all this to begin the real reason for this blog and its title "Trying to Hide the Obvious"
Growing up on a reserve, I  lived in a household - in which many native people can relate to - where alcohol was a normal part of living. From a very early age I related being Indian to alcohol, fighting, not finishing school and so on. Where I got these ideas from I don't know. Some of them were experienced by my Nish peers who would tease me because of how my parents lived, while others came from probably the media and my observations of life around me.  
Thus, began the path I took called a  low self image. A very low self image at that.  Right from my childhood years of playing organized sports in the nearby town and rubbing shoulders with the 'white people' on my team I always felt lower than them.  Throughout my teen and young adult years I was crippled by the fact that I 'was Indian' and had that stereotypical image keeping me from living a life free and reaching for goals that I dreamed of.
Whenever I got together in a room full of people, the nagging question on my mind was if the white poeple knew I was Indian.
Here is a small list of things I did to try and hide my Nish-ness
-  During the long days of  summer I would buy the highest UVB rated sunblock and go through bottles of it just so I   wouldn't get dark. I was  trying to hide the obvious.
-  I would wear longer sleeved shirts in the sultry summer days of Southern Ontario just to help the sunblock effectivness
-  I always tried to have more white friends than Nish friends, so I could try and hide the obvious.
-  I purposely kept my marks in grade school and high school  at a level far below my level of intelligence just so my Nish peers would not mock me.
-  I was embarrassed in post secondary school if I were asked which Native community I was from.
-  I was embarrassed to be part of anything Nish - although deep down I wanted to express who I was.
-  I was embarrassed to show my status card when purchasing items in order to receive the sales tax redemption,
- The list goes one: this is only scratching the surface.
Looking back at all the things I did to hide the obvious was really stupid. If you were to look at any picutes of me it is quite obvious - I'm Nish!  It hindered me. It crippled me. It choked life out of me.  It enslaved me. It kept me from becoming what I wanted to be when I was a child -a Medical Doctor. It kept me from becoming a productive member of society because  I was too self absorbed with trying to hide the obvious.
Today, I am proud to know that others know I am Nish. What changed you may ask? Well it was a verse out of the Bible. Jeremiah 13:23 that did it for me,  "Can an Ethiopian change the color of his skin? Can a leopard take away its spots?" My answer was No. I realized that all this energy I was using to hide what was obvious was going to waste - on my selfish thoughts. Change didn't happen over night. It was a process of letting go of things and accepting what was. Change is still happening today.
I realize now that the majority of people look at me as another human being, no different from them although they may see a  Handsome Nish guy - probably wishing there were like me.
Yes, there are others who see me and loathe the fact that I am Nish. WHO CARES!
Regrets, yes. The fact that I never reached my childhood goal. One that I wanted so badly as a teenager. One that I hope one day, one of my children may aspire to be.
Until next time.

For those of you interested in reading that article I mentioned. Here is the link:
http://www.dailyyonder.com/cherokee-syndrome/2011/02/08/3170