Roller Coasters

A few years back while the family was on holidays we went to Canada's Wonderland. WHAT an AMAZING TIME. I went on this roller coaster - it was a new one at the time - called the Behemoth. The first drop is like a 75% grade at about 2,000 feet up (seemed like it a the time). One literally has about a 5 inch hang time off his seat and in about 2 minutes the ride is over. I did the ride 2 times. I love coasters, the thrill of drop, the speed, the hands up in the air, and the feeling of the stomach - you know what I mean.
Well today it is Feb 22, 202 and I along with my wife am experiencing another roller coaster. This time with family. My father in law is in the hospital - going on 7 days. My wife and I have been back n forth from home and work as  result. He is not doing well. Now our son - he was admitted for a bad lung infection - going on his 4th day.  Now we are balancing being with him in one room and her father in another room. I am grateful it is the same hospital. OH, did I mention that we have the mother in law who is in need of care on a constant basis and to top it off: our other kids at home, I am sure wondering what is going on. Honestly,  I write this with tear running down my cheek because of the inner turmoil of being home with our other kids and being here with our very sick one. 
I went home last night to sleep in my comfy bed. Our youngest, saw me and was so happy to see me. She crawled into my arms and started crying. There were the two of us on the couch crying together. My other two were just as happy to see me although they didn't cry I knew they were glad I was there.
I don't like this roller coaster: the drop, the feeling in my stomach, the inner turmoil. When will it stop?
I don't know when this roller coaster will end but I do know that my kids know we are there for them; they know  I am there for them.
Oh I failed to mention that our well had run dry 4 days ago and we are without water for a while. I checked today and the well is filling up again. HOPE.
All I know is that one section of this ride will end in tears and sorrow  and the other will end in gratefulness that a little one will be home and will soon be better.
I sure am grateful for friends and family who are by our side helping us here at home and in the hospital. I love communities that stick together.
Two roller coasters: one of fun and the other of life events.
Thanks for reading and praying

Destiny Loads the Gun

I read a book recently, well still am in fact. Its the story of  John Furlong, the man instrumental in bringing the 2010 Winter Olympics to Canada. He tells of a relationship with his father that is unique and to me at least, foreign. It was a close knit, looking up to his hero sort of relationship. Early in his life John's father told him, "What's going to separate you from others is how hard you are prepared to work." I read those words and it was like a blast of explosives that when off - an echo I still hear to this day. Call me empty headed or what but I really can still fell the effects of those words.
It was then I had to think of my life, up until that point. I thought back to the days of  of grad school and high school that I wanted to become the first doctor that my community had. My life took another direction - I still wrestle with the feelings if it was the wisest choice. By now you are asking yourself what happened, why did I not choose to become a doctor?  Well, it was the lack of encouragement from those who I looked up to the most during the most impressionable years of my life - my teachers. DESTINY LOADS THE GUN.  You know the usual questions, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I would tell them I want to be a doctor. I can still see the smile - now to think of it a smile of amusement - well Randall you have to work really hard and get good  grades but you may want to think of something else. All throughout school, perhaps up until about grade 10 I gave up the dream! I did get one victory out of it though, I won the grade 12 Chemistry award for my high school year. He, my teacher was one of my biggest cynics. One of the few 'role models' who I told of my ambition when driving me home from volleyball practice in grade 9 - funny I never really spoke to him much again after that.  When I won my award I walked up to him and told him I was thankful for him teaching me and was so happy to prove him wrong. YEAH BABY!
DO I have regrets? BIG TIME. If I would of believed in myself I know to this day I would of achieved a dream that faded with the sun like the morning fog.What do I do about it today? FOCUS on a new generation of children who have potential, who are not scarred by damage done from a generation before them. I am willing and able to instill in my children a lifelong experience of believing in them, so that they can believe in themselves. DESTINY LOADS THE GUN. I am going to make sure that my children are going to have such a belief in themselves that it will almost seem arrogant. When they fail - and they will-  I will be there to help them up, cry with them, laugh with them and let them know, that their hard work is going to separate them from everyone else. Destiny loads the gun; but training pulls  the trigger. If only I knew what that meant years ago. If only's, will not get me from where I am today to where I want to be tomorrow.
If only I had someone to say to me, What's going to separate you from others is how hard you are prepared to work. Yet, more importantly believed in me.DESTINY LOADS THE GUN.
Tell someone today, that you believe in them. Do not let them throw away their potential without at first letting them know they can use it.

Are you a Hoarder?

The specialty channel called A&E airs a number of interesting real life programs. One of which that captures my attention is a show simply called, "Hoarders."  A&E describes it this way, "Hoaders looks inside the lives of people whose inability to part with their belongings is so out of control that they are on the verge of a personal crisis."
One evening while watching the program, I came across the thought, "Am I a hoarder?" Over the next few weeks this thought kept crossing my mind. I set out to do a quick inventory of all the items that I am susceptible of holding on to -memory cards, clothes, and a few other things. If I had to I can part with these items - like a sweater I had since my university days. I recently found out my wife disposed of it.  I had it for almost 22 yrs. I thought I was clean.
However, this lingering thought came back to me. I then began to realize that it was not material items that I was hoarding. Instead it were the hidden things, the things that others don't know about. Haunting memories, feelings and thoughts that I don't want to reveal. The things I want to hold on to or is it that I don't know how to get rid of because I've allowed them to dictate how I feel, how I think, how I live. You know what I am talking about.
Remember that description, "the lives of people whose inability to part with their belongings."  Yep, those memories, experiences no matter how bad, those thoughts - they are belongings. As a matter of fact the longer you surround yourself with them,( the longer I surround myself with them) and wallow in them will start to incapacitate you, and affect  your job, most of all your spouse and your children.  It is a snowball effect.
Watching Hoarders is sad. Seeing how 'things they own 'control how they live.' They are on the verge of a personal crisis. Seeing the clean up process is sad. It is messy, it is hard, its.....terrifying for the 'hoarder.' Yet, the end result is electrifying, relieving, and triumphant for the 'former hoarder and the loved ones alike.
SO, the question was "Am I willing to allow all those inner ghosts, memories, past experiences, etc, etc,  control how I live; control how I think, control how I feel about myself and others? Most importantly, I am willing to let my INNER HOARDING hurt those I love most? For me the answer was simply. ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Talking helps, seeking spiritual strength helps, most of all allowing yourself to let go of all that garbage is the start of a healing process.
Is it going to be easy? NO. You will feel like running because the pain is too much. Trust me it is WORTH IT in the long run.
HOARDING or FREEDOM; DIEING or LIVING.  It was an easy decision for me at least because I was tired of living a shallow existence surrounded by JUNK - and it can be for you.
Until next time.....

The Birds and The bees

"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know it. So, it goes on flying anyways."

What an interesting concept. I recently had the honour of participating in a cross country relay, called "The Rick Hansen 25th Anniversary Relay."  Basically, it is a relay that honours those who are 'difference makers'  to those around them.  I'm not here to speak of myself but of two individuals who in my eyes deserve thee honour more than I. Before we did our relay each of us shared how we were chosen.  Two stories in particular stood out to me. 

The first, is that of a young man, about 13 years of age who shared that he practically raised his younger brother and sister on his own after his mother died. His father has no relationship with him or his siblings due to his own personal problems. In the end he was placed in foster care with his siblings. This young man was chosen by his teachers at school for being a difference maker in the lives of his siblings, his teachers, peers and of course me.   The second, is of a young lady who also shared a story how she was brought up in the foster care system and does not know who were parents are.  She said she was bound and determined not to let that affect her and wanted to make a better life for  herself. WOW.  

Now there are many out there in our society who would look at these two individuals and not give them a break. A narrow mind set saying what can or will they contribute to our society. That right there is where the analogy of the bumble bee comes into play. The bumble bee does not know that it should not be able to fly....but it does. It goes on doing what it was created to do. To give us the pleasure of watching it fly and hover in one place.   I can only wait with anticipation what this young man will be doing 10 - 15 years from now.  I can only wait with anticipation as to what this young  lady will be doing 10 - 15 years from now. I will have to wait and see until this young man graduates from grade 8 and tackles the challenges of high school.  I will have to wait and see until this young lady graduates from college that she enters into this coming Fall.

They are my heros! They are my bumble bees, my source of encouragement. They are my difference makers! Go and do what others think you cannot and show them that they are wrong!

There I stood in line, wondering if this event was a sport, a social gathering or a lifestyle.
I  did whatever my friend did paid my dues and got my 'cards'.  He bought stamps, so I bought stamps. He got extra 'cards', I got extra 'cards' - something called an early bird. He bought odds and even things, not to be out done I did the same. I should of been out done because by time I was done that I spent way too much that I wanted. Bingo will do that to you.
It was a long night - I played 2 sets of cards all night each card had six (6) playing surfaces for a total of 12. I was at least 2 numbers behind the ball caller person from start to the last 2 games of the night where I finally caught on.  I am sure I probably lost  at least 300.00. If you recall I was 2 numbers behind all night. In fact, I really didn't care. I was not there to win money, I was there to watch people, their reactions and to spend some time with my buddy.
I could see the anticipation on the faces of those who were close to fulfilling that game's card. It was a look of satisfaction. Then when the number was called a look of heartbreak. It was amusing, it was also sad. I wondered how many children went hungry that day, that week.  I wondered how many people's utility bills were not paid because of this event.
Everyone that walked through the doors of the bingo hall that night has one thing in mind - it was to win. I was even hoping to win something. Will I go back? Probably not. It was too fast paced for me. Too many people to watch. I'd rather spend that money on my wife and I and have quality time with her.
So the million dollar question still lingers in my thought process: Is this event was a sport, a social gathering or a lifestyle? I'm thinking that it is all three.
Until next time, when I write about bumblebees.

The child you were is the Child you still are

During my studies to become a counsellor, I came across a book I read with interest. Its premise - 'One's earliest recollected childhood memories will shape who you are today.' The more I read and thought about it, I began to ask certain people to share with me their earliest childhood memories - some were very good and some were not so good. Surprisingly, I was able to tell them to some degree of accuracy their personality traits.
So one day, I recall laying on my bed and began to think back to my childhood and the memories I had of it. To my surprise my earliest recollected memory was quite a traumatic event. I began to cry and shake - I was 23 at the time.  I hesitate to share this with you - strangers really in my life - yet I do both as a continual healing process and as help to someone out there who may have experienced a similar life experience. So here it goes - I recall my father coming home in a drunken stupor and rage. I remember him cradeling my mom on their bed as he beat her viciously, yelling at her. I remember her pleading with him to stop.  I remember the pool of blood I would jump over for days, weeks...even when it was cleaned up that same day.  I remember the fear I felt, the overwhelming flood of emotions of confusion, hurt and fear of my father. I was about 4 years of age!
This is who I am today:
  - afraid of angry people
  - afraid of personal criticism
  - afraid of failure and abandonment
  - give into others rather that stand up for myself
  - have difficulty with control issues
  - need approval of others and do what I need to gain it
  - low self esteem of myself
I am 45 years old!  41 years later I still fight with these issues every single day.  I have come a long long way to effectively deal with these issues and still have a long way to go. I write this to tell you, that there is hope.
I know there is - I'm an example of that hope.
Until next time.......

A Child's Hurting Heart

Have you ever wondered what alcohol does to a family? Well, sit back and let me tell you a story.
My parents were what you could call weekend alcoholics. Yes, just as the name implies.... I am sure there are many people who can be classified and even call themselves -or even you - a weekend alcoholic. 
When Friday afternoon was here -which was immediately after work - the party usually started.  Here I would be sitting at home alone at 9 yrs of age or getting dropped off at grandpa and grandma's home for the weekend, again.
The feeling of utter loneliness, hurt, confusion and internal turmoil  would haunt me from the inside out. I remember crying myself to sleep.  I recall looking out the window..till the wee hours of the morning knowing. NO! actually hoping - that the next car driving by would be my mom stopping to pick me up and take me home.....just like she said.  Yet, it never happened. The power of HOPE that a child has.  The innocence of believing that what they tell you - they would actually do  but when it does not happen your entire little world of what you know  about it comes crashing down on you.  Leaving you feeling so . . . so. . . I honestly do not have the words to describe the feeling that I had.  ALL I know is that it HURT. Deeply.
Have you ever felt like that?  Have you ever felt the pain of a broken heart - the hurt being so intense that it was almost too difficult  to cry.. and when you did cry the heaviness of your heaving left your chest painfully aware that you really miss Mommy and Daddy and all you want is to be with them. Even if you know that they are drunk....
More next time.....