Learning How to Talk Again.

When I was growing up I rarely heard my grandparents, great grandparents uncles or aunts speak our native language - Ojibwemoyaan.  Matter of fact, the only time I heard it spoken was when the 'old folks' wanted to say things so that us young ones could not understand.  Yes, we had language lessons in grade school but I can only recall them sporadically at best.  There were a few phrases introduced to me by my parents (I am sure that is all they knew) and by others in my family.  Those I can say and remember to this day. 

I remember an incident when I was very young as if it were yesterday.  I had asked my great grandfather with a smile on my face and eager anticipation if he "could teach me how to speak Indian."  His response, requiring no thought whatsoever, was, "You don't need to learn that!" In a rather harsh tone. His response crushed me deeply.  I cried that day. Even as I type these words, I still feel that same emotional punch in the gut as strong as ever. This was the day that gave me a bad feeling about being an Anishinaabe.  It is something I cannot really describe except for shame. 

I say all that to say this. To this day Gaawiin aapiji ninitaa-ojibwemosii.  (I don’t know how to talk Ojibwe very much).  Or even understand it

It took me quite a long time until I was able to get over this shame. In fact opening up to you like this makes me feel shameful for even feeling like that growing up.  I know some of you reading this are probably thinking, "Why would you feel ashamed at being Anishinaabe." Words from an adult that a child looked up to, admired and loved impacted his little soul more than you would even being to comprehend.  Be careful how you respond to a young child. The words you speak could impact him or her profoundly for years to come.

I have been trying to teach myself how to speak Ojibwemoyaan over the past few years. Granted it is a difficult process to learn when you have only yourself to speak to.  I have begun to see that many of my peers that I grew up with back on Bkjwanong FN aka Walpole Island and even those years younger are learning our language and speaking fluently to each other.  This brings that feeling of shame over me again. I am very happy for all of them on learning and having the ability to speak Ojibwemoyaan. I rejoice with them but at the same time I hurt inside terribly. I shed a few tears when no one is looking because they have what I want - that ability to understand and speak our original language.  If you have ever been on the outside looking in; lets say in a crowded room and you don't know anyone. Everyone has congregated in groups, they are talking and laughing except for you. You feel all alone; left out. Well that is how I feel.

Even the few words I do know and am learning I am scared to say them out loud for fear of saying them wrong. There are some of the boys I work with will speak to me in Ojibwemoyaan and I feel ashamed asking them to repeat in English. They wonder why I cannot speak the language.

So! I am on a journey. A journey to 'Learn How to Talk Again.'  It is one that will help me get rid of that feeling that was planted in my little soul when I was about 6 yrs old. I guess it is a healing journey and one of forgiveness.

Oh, in case you are wondering. I do not feel bad anymore for being Anishinaabe  I just desire to be able to understand Ojibwemoyaan and speak as one. 


Giminadan Gagiginonshiwan - It was nice speaking to you.

Chi-Migewetch
&
Baamapii